My so-called social experiment

This morning I decided to run a one-sided social experiment – would it create a heaven or would we have a run-in? I decided to hide my partner’s phone tablet and laptop, just for the morning to see if he could manage and to see if life could be improved. At 8.30 JP was still asleep. I felt a bit calmer at the prospect of the said items being out of sight.

Just after 9 O’clock I awoke JP and said we could do a yoga class later. I though it was a good idea to have no social media until we got back. JP had a bit of a paddy and said “it’s how I calm my brain” but then he was okay and tried to help me to calm down by getting me to count my breaths. I talked about how the way we are doing things is not working as well as it could as we are both suffering with mental health problems, I know we always will be but just maybe things could be less severe. I went on to say you can read your book or the newspaper. I made him a coffee and a bowl of p”orridge and said he could choose which radio station he listened to. JP tuned into BBC radio 5 live with Nicky Campbell. They were talking about intimate cosmetic surgery and I decided to send them a tweet saying what a sad state of affairs.  I was so glad that JP had tuned in . I commented that it was like The Good Old days when we would listen to the radio and also watch The Wright Stuff on TV.

I was so glad that he was okay with what I had done, he didn’t say anything to me so I am guessing that I had explained myself. Mind you, we have had a difficult week as my mood has been all over the place and JP got it in the neck. He has been so good with me this week and supported me. It hardly seems fair that I should be doing this.

I got JP’s clothes together. JP took hold of me and tried to help me with my breathing by counting as I tried to follow his instruction.  He is always caring and supportive but this felt better. I had Classic FM on in the kitchen. JP listened to the radio whilst he was having a bath. I glanced at him gesticulating with the presenter, He often does this when we are walking and I laugh and say to him who are you talking to.

JP seemed to be doing well. I was still stressed, I checked the timetable and realized that we were too late for the yoga class as it started at 10 and not 11 as I thought it was. JP had said he was happy to do the yoga class with me. Anyhow I persuaded him to try a virtual cycling class at 12 instead. I got even more stressed out as my plans had changed, JP seemed okay with it. So I thought right come on I need to focus on what I can do instead,  I just pottered about in the garden, which is what I do a lot of the time.  My house is a bombsite but I try to switch off from it. JP read his book and listened to the radio, we had BBC radio 6 music on in the kitchen.

Anyhow we went to our cycling class at the local leisure centre. We were the only ones in the class. We really enjoyed it. We had a look at the new swimming pool. JP was really impressed. It felt so good that we were almost tech free and enjoying each others company even more.

JP didn’t seem in a rush to get on his phone. We went home to have some lunch and JP had a look on social media. He said he had ‘liked’ the comment I had put on my twitter account.

In the afternoon we visited my parents. We took our dog Patrick who loves to visit them and Lucy their Westie. I helped with a bit of gardening and JP read his book in the kitchen and probably went on his phone. We had a lovely day, I felt different somehow, sort of reconnected and more grounded.

Anyhow, here I am writing on my laptop and no doubt I shall be looking on Facebook, twitter and then checking my emails shortly.

TTFN Love Pix Xxx

 

Made it to Thursday!

We went to Tatton Park on Sunday.  Molly my youngest daughter and Andy her partner took me and JP and Patrick our dog in the car. It was so lovely to be driven as I struggle to drive any distance. I felt so pampered it was fabulous. My other two daughters and their partners and my granddaughter came along too. My son-in-law was in a re-enactment at the medieval fair that was being held there. It is such a beautiful place and the fair was great, I have never been to anything like it before. It was the first time that Tom has done anything like this, his costume was pretty cool. My granddaughter who is only 3 said what a great fighter her daddy was.  My ex and his wife were there, they did try to join in conversation with me but all I could manage was the expected salutations or whatever you call them. I don’t say much and I was already disturbed by them being there so I tried to protect myself from further hurt.

The rest of the week was pretty busy. I went to a well-being class at college on Monday morning. Then to my daughters in the afternoon, I took Patrick as well, he loves visiting and enjoyed a walk with their dog Luna. On Tuesday I went to New Chapel cafe and then in the evening I went to a Buddhist meditation class, it was good, I very nearly fell asleep. I went to New Chapel again on the Wednesday and took Dorothy and Davids dog Suki for a walk as David was in hospital. She is a cross alsation/akita so pretty big and strong. She didn’t want to go at first and so I had to encourage her. She was good with Patrick and kept on eye on him. We met JP and then all walked back up together. On Thursday U3A choir were performing at the church and raising money for a womens’ refuge. Olga my friend my college came along. It was nice that she came, we had a good time and had a brew and some cake. Then in the evening I went to choir practiseat a lady’s house. It is a lovely choir. I feel so lucky at the moment. I am still obvously sufering with mental health problems but I have the benefit of feeling part of the church.

I shall go now as I am shattered.

Love Pix Xxx

Struggling but coping.

The past few days have been particularly hard. My house is a mess and I know I shall feel a bit better when I manage to sort it and take things to the charity shops. I must have forgotten to take my medication as I was really low yesterday and a few events in my life have affected my mood.

I have just been for a lovely walk it must have been about 4.30 in the morning, whith my dog Patrick.  We didn’t meet a single human being just came across a few cats that Patrick tried to chase.

I find life so hard at times. I met my first partner when I was only 13 he lived next door but one to me. I was far too young and knew that something wasn’t right but we went on to get married when I was 22. We had three daughters together. I became deeply unhappy as he wasn’t very affectionate and didn’t think nurturing was part of the procedure. Anyhow I muggled through. When I was 33 we moved back to our home town in the hope that things would get easier but they didn’t and about a year later we split up. He wanted to get custody of the girls but the solicitor said he probably wouldn’t get it. He had a friend who was a work colleague, I will never know if ththey were just friends as they eventually married. She didn’t have any children. One of the hardest things for me is that she sees more of my granddaughter than I do. I know these things happen but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Anyhow today I am going to Tatton Park with my partner and my youngest daughter and her partner. I think my other two daughters are going and their  Dad and his partner.  I hope I don’t see my ex. Hopefully I shouldn’t as it’s a big place.  I don’t even like writing about him.

I am going now to make a brew now.  I just feel so crap. I want to cry but I mustn’t.

Love Pix Xxx

 

 

I find it more difficult to write on here.

I find it more difficult to write on here than on paper but still I do it. I feel as though my thoughts don’t flow as freely as they would on paper. I like the fact that it is instantaneous and I can touch type – whoo go me – not very fast though.

Anyhow, here I am again waffling on. My partner is fast asleep next to me and Patrick our dog has joined us on the bed. We need to tighten the bolts on the bed it’s getting a bit rickety. We are in the box room as the other 2 rooms are full of stuff. This room is getting pretty much the same now. As JP sorts his flat out my house seems to be getting worse. However I have been very busy been stressed, also I spend a lot of time in my garden pottering about, I feel calmer when I get outside so that is where I go. It seems daft not to enjoy the beautiful weather we have been having.

I have just finished a 9 week course on mindfulness at college. Our tutor was called Tony and was brilliant. He didn’t quite know how to deal with me having a meltdown one day but tried his best to help me. I have found it challenging but have made quite a few lovely friends and we now have a whatsapp group to keep in touch. It is such a privelege to have been on the course and to have met such lovely people.  Tony has told us about a group that was set up from a previous class and they asked hime to oversee the meetings. I plan to contact the guy who set up the group as he has said that we are welcome to join them when we have finished the course. I shall see how it goes as I think I have enough in my life at present but it would be nice to meet up with them anyway. I just hope there are no characters from my past that I may feel disturbed by but I tend to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. Going back to mindfulness.  I do practise occasionally but not enough but it’s ‘work in progress’ – that’s what life is really isn’t it – Work in progress to reach ‘ self actualization’.

I am ‘finding my feet’ again but this time I hope I keep on a fairly even footing. I will probably keep relapsing which is fair enough because I have not reach my pinnacle YET.

I am off for a brew now.

TTFN love Priestess Pixie Xxx

So proud of my partner

My partner has been writing a script and has worked so hard and it is almost completed now. He is hoping that it may get used for TV.  He has his illnesses to contend with and then look after me as well and so gets frequently interrupted. He has written a lot of stuff over the years. Lots of poetry, short stories and a few unfinished novels. So this is the closest he has got to completing anything big. He talks to me about the plot, it sounds good but I am not the best at following plots, I am however particularly good at losing the plot. I called round today to help with a few jobs and take some clean clothes round for him. He was working away on his scipt and joyfully told me about how he had also worked hard tidying his front room.

I am not sure what the next step is for him. He seems to have it mostly in hand. I am just hoping that something comes of it. I have every confidence in him.

Lv Pix Xxx

Wednesday 30th May 2018

I have decided just to write the date as I never know what to write as a title and I go off the subject anyhow.

Okay so I admit I have been inspired to write as I have noticed that my imaginary boyfried is studying an MA in writing crime novels or something like that. His first novel could be cyber stalker. I feel like that sometimes as I  turn on my laptop and check to see if he has changed his profile picture more often than I care to admit.  Also today I listened to quite a bit of his relaxation/hynosis MP3. I did it out on a walk with my dog, you are meant to do these things either sat down or lay down, but still I got quite a lot of benefit from it as it is a very detailed and compact recording. It is packed full of encouraging words. I have owned it for about 4 years but have hardly listened to it which is such a shame as I could have started to feel better sooner.  Anyhow I have to remember what Bob says on the recording which is ‘that was before’. My partner is going to put it on my phone so that I can just access it when I want to. The sooner the better as I have been doing a mindfulness class at college and the plan is obviously to practise, breathing, mindful movement and guided relaxation. So although there are many recordings out there I have to say that Bob’s is the best.  I have become even more mindful in my thinking, speaking and feelings, although I have a long way to go, I am still proud of myself.

My Mum and Dad have given me and JP a craft tool for scribing on wood. They would like us to do one for them, so we shall do that first and then I think I may have a sign that I can hang up somewhere saying “THAT WAS BEFORE”.

Well I think I shall toddle of now as I am hungry.

Love JJ Xxx

Anxiety is through the roof

I am struggling. Trying to be mindful but finding it so difficult.

My house is so cluttered. I feel guilty saying thing because there are people starving, homeless and here I am moaning about something that is in comparison so trivial.

Anyhow I am off now.

Love Pix Xxx

 

I have just scrolled through the titles I have written. I now feel inspired to write more of my twaddle, but not today. However I am inspired and that is all I need to tell myself. Okay just another thing I have to learn to love myself. It is a bit difficult as at times I am such an arse. Ah well onwards and upwards.

 

 

 

 

Personal Growth

My partner and I both had counselling yesterday and discussed with each other what we had talked about in our sessions.  JP used the term personal growth when I talked about myself. He is so positive about me and won’t say a bad word. I am not as fair towards him and feel so good that I am addressing this. We both talked about our relationships with our counsellors. My head is mostly all over the place and I struggle to ground myself, I struggle to share my space as my head gets so crowded. Talking to my counsellor helped me realize that it is in my grasp to do something about it.  I frequently take my frustrations out on JP and obviously this isn’t fair. We have been together for nearly nine years now and I love him deeply but feel that I haven’t always respected him as much as I could. JP doesn’t see it like that as he wouldn’t put up with bad stuff.

Anyhow it feels as though we are making some progress. He tells me how lucky he is to have a woman like me, I think I am the lucky one.  I was sorting a drawer out the other day and came across a card from a group he’d attended. The comments made by the other participants were so lovely, One person had written that every group should have a JP, another mentioned how knowledgeble he is and one wrote about his great sense of humour. This little card helped me so much to make me realize how lucky I am and I have reaffirmed my feelings towards him. I have grown and continue to do so as we all do. I feel as though I am taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, and facing up to life.

Anyhow, I have waffled enough. Bye for now.

Love Pixie Xxx

Lantern Walk with Cancer Support Group

JP and I went on a walk last night to raise money for a group we recently discovered. It was meant to be 3 mile but they cut it short because of the weather. It was probably about 2 mile, still it was a good walk, just about right as my back was hurting from painting my bathroom ceiling a few days ago.

We didn’t know what to expect and were surprised to see so many people joining in. We turned up to find people getting reading for our return preparing food under gazebos. We registered, were given glow-in-the dark wrist bands and bought lanterns. JP got himself a brew, I didn’t bother because I knew I would struggle with needing the loo.

We all set off just after 7 o’clock. It was a little bit cold but above freezing so we couldn’t complain. There was a man driving an old mini, it was all lit up and had a big teddy bear in the back which was so cute.  We had our gloves and umbrellas just in case. We picked up quite a brisk pace to keep warm. There were marshalls at the from to keep us going in the right direction, just as well as I am always getting lost.  We had a bit of rain but it only lasted for a short spell. About two-thirds the way round we noticed we were going downhill, we hadn’t even noticed that we must have been on a slow incline to be rewarded with this. Soon we were back on the main road which we had set off from. We were looking forward to a brew and a bit of supper. I got in the queue for some food and JP went inside to get us a brew. When he arrived with the brew he told me he a scolded himself which later blistered. He went back inside put some cold water on his fingers to see if he could ease things but he would have been better if he had done it straight away. We went back inside when we had eaten, I had a bacon butty and JP had a veggie burger.

Inside there was entertainment. A girl singing and a guy on guitar. There were raffle tickets on sale and brews available. I paid for some clothes that they had put away for me for an afternoon tea we were going to at the the salvation army the next day. JP bought raffle tickets and a pin badge to support the centre. We stood for a short while and sat down when seats became available. It was a lovely atmoshpere and we were so happy to be part of it. A number of people remembered us from the other day when we first went and chatted away with us.  We chilled out for a while enjoining the music and another brew. There was a little girl there, I think she was about 2, she was such a happy little thing, so contented with life.  We decided to get off at about 9 and said our goodbyes.

Our dogs Pippa and Patrick were pleased to see us when we got back home. I wish we could have taken Patrick but we didn’t want to be embarrassed by his behaviour, he can be a bit noisy.

We went to bed as soon as we got in. We didn’t hang about as my house is a bit cold as my boiler broke down the other day.

Bye for now.

JJ Xxx