My anxiety is crushing but I am coping

My anxiety is severe at the moment. My nails are badly chewed and my fingers are sore. Although my anxiety is bad I am getting through and trying my best to keep well.

Yesterday I went to Salford with my partner Johnpaul. We met my youngest daughter Molly as she had an interview with a job agency. She looked lovely with a royal blue blouse and navy trousers, she is such a beautiful warm and loving young lady. Anyhow we had a look around the Lowry and me and Mol did a quick sketch of one of Lowry’s pictures to put with others on display. Molly drew a cottage and I did a seaside picture. There were a short film of a man who had had his feet tied up in duct tape and trying to break free from it, it was uncomfortable to watch. We then had a pasty and a drink in the cafe. It was raining really heavy and we hope it would ease off but it didn’t so we made a dash to the shops. JP stayed in another coffee shop and me and Mol had a look around the shops. I bought JP as lovely rain jacket, some shorts and some canvas boards. I bought myself some more watercolours. We then met up with JP and had another drink.

I had a really lovely day and realize that although I have mental health problems I have come along way with my personal development.

I had left my dog Patrick at my friend Wendys. She has a dog called Maisie and I take her out and bring her over to mine so that she has some company.  Patrick was happy to see me and I felt so much happier that he had not been on his own. It’s good that he has his doggy friends.

It has helped to calm my nerves a little writing on here today.

Love Pix Xxx


I am so disturbed by my parents

I am pretty confused and  messed up to say the least. It is difficult when you are messed up by people that can also be nice to you.

When I was growing up we had some fun times but a lot of it has messed me up. My parents lied to me, they loved me but the lies have messed me up. When I was 13 I met my ex-husband, too young to start a long term relationship, I loved him and the one thing that sticks in my mind is that he didn’t lie to me.

Our bungalow was next door but one to my ex in-laws. So there was never really any getting away from it. I felt so trapped within myself from a very early age.

In 2001 my brother died and for a short while  his fiancee continued to bring up my niece who was 11 at the time. Then something changed and my niece went to live with my parents. They then got guardianship of my niece but continued to have my brothers fiancee playing a big part in our family. I had my three daughters at home and really struggled with this situation. I felt totally pushed out in all directions. I have been treated like a child into my adulthood and I am now 55 years old. I really hurts me to think that my parents bragg about all the cruises they have gone on (100 in total) whilst I have been in a state of desperation and tried to take my own life on several occasions – I think it is about 12 in all.

I just can’t take anymore of this. My Dad has dementia and I believe that I have been overlooked as to who has lasting power of attorney if my Mother dies first. In my opinion I am closest to my Father and I would have been the one to look after him. So to be treated like this is really messing with my head.

It was my Dad’s birthday last week. I called round yesterday to drop their dog off. They had been away for 5 days and I had taken care of her. I had a look at his birthday cards and noticed that my Mum’s card, my niece’s card, their daughter’s card and their best friends cards were all on the mantel piece. My card along with my daughters cards were all on a foot stool on the side, that says it all really.

They have caused so much damage to my mind and this has impacted on my family life. I have tried my best to break the mold but it has been difficult to say the least. My daughters have turned out to be 3 lovely strong girls. I have done my best to bring them up. My youngest was with me from the age of 4, my middle girl 7 and my eldest 9. It has been really difficult.

I was getting severly harassed by someone and eventually I had to call 999 and he was arrested. Nor my parents nor the childrens father tried to help in any way whatsoever with any of this. I think I may have PTSD  from it all. I am receiving counselling at the moment.

I think I shall be moving away soon with my partner. I need to do a few jobs on the house and hopefully get it on the market before Summer. Then we can decide where we shall live.

I can no longer be around to see my Mum behaving the way she does. It is always about her. Whenever you say something she manipulates it around to her. So hopefully I will no longer have this probably to deal with as I will be a good distance away. bit

Pix x

Art Therapy

I feel really poorly at the moment, I am so angry and my anxiety is so bad, I am in physical and mental pain.

Anyhow, when I can I do a bit of painting. I am currently managing to attend two art classes. One of them is at a day centre and the course is run by an organization called WEA. Our tutor is called Mark and his class is brilliant. I go there with my partner JP. There are only about 8 of us in the class and we all have some form of mental health problem. It is a lovely group where I feel safe. We have done acrylic painting and are currenly working on portraits. I was the model this week and I sat still for about 20 minutes, I really enjoyed doing this as I am not very good at sitting still. My hand went a bit numb at the end. We have a laugh and try to encourage each other. When the course has finished we hope to move on to a different art group at the centre.

The other group I|go to is at a local mental health charity, our group is called The Doodlers. This is also a small group of about 8 of us At this group the leaders will give you something to work on aand there is also lots of materials in the cupboard that we can use. I have been taking my own stuff and I have done a few small pictures either in acrylic or watercolour.  This is another really supportive group of people. I really enjoy going and enjoy the company of the other members. My social anxiety is pretty bad but I do my best and really appreciate being in the group.

I also practise a bit at home. This morning I have done a couple of quick pictures of  some tulips. I did one on white paper and the other on black. It was my birthday last week and The Doodlers bought me the tulips and some daffodils. I thought this was so lovely of them.

I am so grateful that I am able to attend these groups. The encouragement  and friendship I receive from them has helped me so much to start painting again. I have done bits before but this is the most I have ever done. I am only learning but I enjoy it so much. It helps me to relax a little and to have something to focus on.

Bye for now

Pix xxx

Just a quick post

I ought to be asleep. I have been awake for a few hours already messing about on my laptop. I just got in a panic as I thought my podts had gone. I shall see if my partner can print them off for me.

I am not too good at the moment just really stressed. All this Brexit thing is getting to me and life in general. Mind you saying that I have been keeping myself busy. I have been doing a few paintings. My partner keeps telling me that they are good. I am pleased with them as I think they look okay. I have been going to an art group in Bolton and we just do our own thing, have a brew and a chat. They are a lovely group of people and I feel I can be myself as I feel comfortable in their company. I am still very anxious but am managing as best I can.

What a relief that my stuff is still on here. I shall have to get back to writing again as I find it therapeutic just waffling on.

My partner writes a lot, he is really talented I am quite sure of it, bless him. Maybe one day he will get published, he certainly deserves to.

Anyhow, I shall go and get myself another brew.

TTFN Pix Xxx


Life still scares me

Life scares me – seems like a strange thing to say but it does. Still I have made it to 54 years old so I can’t complain.

I haven’t written on here for quite a while. I find it difficult to share my opinion. I mean there are people so much worse off than mysel and equally there are people a lot better off than me. Also it seems a bit strange writing on here. It seems pointless in many ways. Am I doing it in the hope that it will help others or that it will help me. Does it even have to serve a purpose. I did want to help others and still do I just do it differently these days. It did once feel as though writing on here was helping me. What am I waffling on about really.


Strictly come dancing is back soon

I was just watching the preview for this years strictly. I can’t believe it is five years ago since Abbie Clancy won. I think I had been listening to Classic FM for about 12 months when Abbie won, I remember messaging Bob Jones one of the presenters about how much I liked watching her dance.

I have no idea how many messages I have sent to Bob and the other presenters over the years, it’s all been a bit crazy really.  Well I am a bit crazy really. It must be six years ago now that I started to message him. I loved the sound of his voice and he was really kind when he mentioned me and it went on from there. I think the following year he went to work in Beijing for three years and I still continued to think about him a lot. I would message the other presenters and goodness knows what I have been going on about. I just couldn’t help myself. I have been on some sort of journey, I guess we are all on some sort of journey. I worry about the problems I have caused to others. I couldn’t stop myself even though it all seemed crazy I couldn’t stop. I still thinking about him. It’s not as difficult though these days. I hope he’s okay as he doesn’t seem to have much on-line presence. He probably has it’s just that I can’t find it. I care about someone I haven’t even met. The obsession has helped me though on my journey.. I no longer have these kinds of thoughts about people as I have managed to grow. I would still like to meet him but very much doubt this will happen. I have my partner, my family and my church family and I truly appreciate them and realize how very lucky I am to have what I have.

Anyhow strictly come dancing is back next week. I am not sure I will enjoy it as much as I did but I was probably a bit manic then. I don’t seem to get manic anymore. I am on more of an even keel these days.

Sat up in bed writing.

I am struggling.  I have been bullied over the years by a neighbour.  He has a problem and seems to think it is okay to take it out on others. Many things happened years ago but then things went quiet until a lady who I knew from a support group that I used to attend moved a few door away.  He started to bully her called her ugly and commented on her not working. Some of her garden plants that were next to his property died off. A friend of hers moved in to a flat at the back of my house and she also started to get bullied. I confronted him and asked him why he was doing this. This was a big mistake as then I started to have problems with him again. I planted some shrubs at the front of my garden and he didn’t like it as he used to cut across the front of my house.  I got a visit from the housing association asking me to take the shrubs out. I told them that the most of the houses also have shrubs in their front garden and said it was unfair that I should remove mine. Then mysteriously all my plants died. Fortunately my honeysuckle survived the attack. He also complained about the new lady at the back of me and tried to get her plants removed. He was in cahoots with a man who lived at the back of me. This man used to hang his head out of the window shouting abuse at the three of us. The lady at the back moved away and when some new neighbour moved in the plants were removed. The bully guy who lived at the back was eventually evicted – a tent for growing weed was seen throwing in a skip – one of the reasons – he must have been growing it in the attic.

A few days ago I was in my garden and the guy was driving into the rear car park. He spotted me and decided to stop instead of driving on. I looked up to see him with his head turned towards me and he was staring with a smirk on his face, I looked up and stared back and he then drove on. Yesterday I noticed that something in my front garden had been moved. I know it will be him and I have no proof. This isn’t a big thing I know but he will be doing it to taunt me as that is how he gets his kicks. If my front conifers now die off then I know it is him but obviously have no proof.

The problem was exacerbated when the government brought out the bedroom tax. He was living in a three bedroomed house and would have been asked to pay the extra tax. A lot of people on my estate had to move out of flats are houses if they could not pay the extra money. This is when the bullying started again about five years ago. He was jealous that I owned my property. He somehow managed to stay in his property but it wasn’t enough. He has bullied other neighbours because of where they parked their cars i.e. in the bus bay at the front -he believed this to be his parking space – but unfortunately they didn’t complain about it.

I shall just wait to say what happens. I know the best thing for me to do his move away. I have many friends around here and don’t want to leave them behind.

I feel a bit better for writing and have stopped crying now.

Mental health not good today


I feel really scared. About 5 months ago I had to fill in forms for my benefit. Then I had to attend an assessment. I failed the test and it has made me so  ill. I feel ridiculed and humiliated. I felt the interview was not going well. The assessor repeated back to me the things that I did to keep myself well and he then said this is your therapy and I said yes. It is dreadful what this governement is doing to people with disabilities. I told him about my many suicide attempts and the last one was particularly bad as I was on a drip of parvolex which is an antidote needed because of the amount of paracetomol that was in my blood. This was totally ignored he just manipulated and lied.just because they have targets to meet. To say the assessors are trained in mental health is an absolute joke.

I can’t stop crying and feel unable to do anything anymore. What is the point of even writing this blog. I struggle with life, I struggle with people and nobody gets it. I put things on social media and try to write articles as though I am normal. I am ill and struggle to function and they way the DWP have treaated me makes me feel worthless.

They stopped all of my money and I didn’t even realize for over a month. When I phoned up the guy said that it my responsibilty to contact them of a change of circumstances. I told him that I have mental health problems and obviously not responsible. How can they do this to people. It is a cruel government. I know people are treated a lot worse than me but this is how people are ending up homeless. I try to put things on social media and sign petitions to help others but the government just wants to keep us down.

June 5th 2017

My youngest daughter Molly had an operation on her wrist last week for Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and so she stayed with me as she was given a sick note for a fortnight. We had a lovely week together and she has managed to have a good rest. We had planned to sort out my spare room so that she could sleep in it, but that just didn’t happen so she slept in my bed, which is cute and thankfully I didn’t talk in my sleep.

We binge-watched Devious Maids together. I am on series 3 but enjoy watching the previous episodes again with Mol. I am not very good at sitting still so it is quite an achievement when I watch TV.

I did lots of cooking as well so we ate really healthily. I have been in a good place lately, My anxiety is still really bad although I have not been crying as much. Molly has been a great support for me and I have done my best to take care of her. We also cut out a skirt yesterday and plan to get the sewing machine out in a few days. We used some material that her sister Gina bought a couple of years ago. Molly has wanted to do some dressmaking for ages we just never got round to it so it is wonderful that we have made a start.

Yesterday I delivered some campaign leaflets for the general election, Molly came with me as I wasn’t up to going on my own. I am glad that I am helping my chosen party but find it difficult to do.

She will be returning back to work on Wednesday I just hope she is OK as she is a nursery nurse and so does a lot of lifting and nappy changing.

Anyhow, I am going to make myself another brew, in my pint pot.

TTFN. Love Pix Xxx

Issues being addressed

I am always trying to address my issues and there are plenty of them.  I don’t like to admit it on here but well I am pretty fucked up. 

The first thing that I can write about today is at college I got pretty upset a few weeks ago swearing etc. I wasn’t being particularly mindful of others feelings but when I have gone into a strange place in my head being mindful doesn’t even come in to it. I managed to get back to college and felt bad on the others. I tried to be as normal as possible and be okay with everyone. I seemed to be accepted and not obviously judged. This was a bit of a ground breaking moment for me. My actions had been authentic and I had not set out to hurt anyone, however I did want to apologize to everyone. I made a quick card last week to thank everyone in the group for everything. It wasn’t an apology as such so I still felt that I should be apologizing. I mentioned it to my tutor today and she told me not to worry and I had nothing to apologize for. I felt accepted, appreciated, respected and part of the group. This was really special to me.

Then on the way home I called in to church to say hello and water the flowers. I explained that I wasn’t staying for the craft group but just wanted to say hello.

Then I messaged a friend I had made recently. We have similar issues and last week I got overwhelmed and was off the radar for a while. Anyhow I got in touch and we compared notes and had a laugh about it. We both struggle with relationships and so it was good to try and makes sense of it all. It’s work in progress and although it is a struggle it is good to be able to try and understand and help one another.

I told my friend about a crazy idea that I have. I would like to call it a crazy secret but I am not very good at keeping things to myself. In my craft class this morning I managed to blurt out that I have a thing for gay men. The words are out before my brain has engaged. Fortunately the lady I told quickly changed the subject, I mean come on Janette that is surely something you shouldn’t be telling others about. I would like to say that I live and learn but short of handcuffs and a gag I am continuing to make the same mistakes. Well onwards and upwards. Insanity and beyond.

Love Janette xxx

P.S. I just found this in my draughts, I thought I had deleted it. LOL!