I was just watching the preview for this years strictly. I can’t believe it is five years ago since Abbie Clancy won. I think I had been listening to Classic FM for about 12 months when Abbie won, I remember messaging Bob Jones one of the presenters about how much I liked watching her dance.
I have no idea how many messages I have sent to Bob and the other presenters over the years, it’s all been a bit crazy really. Well I am a bit crazy really. It must be six years ago now that I started to message him. I loved the sound of his voice and he was really kind when he mentioned me and it went on from there. I think the following year he went to work in Beijing for three years and I still continued to think about him a lot. I would message the other presenters and goodness knows what I have been going on about. I just couldn’t help myself. I have been on some sort of journey, I guess we are all on some sort of journey. I worry about the problems I have caused to others. I couldn’t stop myself even though it all seemed crazy I couldn’t stop. I still thinking about him. It’s not as difficult though these days. I hope he’s okay as he doesn’t seem to have much on-line presence. He probably has it’s just that I can’t find it. I care about someone I haven’t even met. The obsession has helped me though on my journey.. I no longer have these kinds of thoughts about people as I have managed to grow. I would still like to meet him but very much doubt this will happen. I have my partner, my family and my church family and I truly appreciate them and realize how very lucky I am to have what I have.
Anyhow strictly come dancing is back next week. I am not sure I will enjoy it as much as I did but I was probably a bit manic then. I don’t seem to get manic anymore. I am on more of an even keel these days.
I am struggling. I have been bullied over the years by a neighbour. He has a problem and seems to think it is okay to take it out on others. Many things happened years ago but then things went quiet until a lady who I knew from a support group that I used to attend moved a few door away. He started to bully her called her ugly and commented on her not working. Some of her garden plants that were next to his property died off. A friend of hers moved in to a flat at the back of my house and she also started to get bullied. I confronted him and asked him why he was doing this. This was a big mistake as then I started to have problems with him again. I planted some shrubs at the front of my garden and he didn’t like it as he used to cut across the front of my house. I got a visit from the housing association asking me to take the shrubs out. I told them that the most of the houses also have shrubs in their front garden and said it was unfair that I should remove mine. Then mysteriously all my plants died. Fortunately my honeysuckle survived the attack. He also complained about the new lady at the back of me and tried to get her plants removed. He was in cahoots with a man who lived at the back of me. This man used to hang his head out of the window shouting abuse at the three of us. The lady at the back moved away and when some new neighbour moved in the plants were removed. The bully guy who lived at the back was eventually evicted – a tent for growing weed was seen throwing in a skip – one of the reasons – he must have been growing it in the attic.
A few days ago I was in my garden and the guy was driving into the rear car park. He spotted me and decided to stop instead of driving on. I looked up to see him with his head turned towards me and he was staring with a smirk on his face, I looked up and stared back and he then drove on. Yesterday I noticed that something in my front garden had been moved. I know it will be him and I have no proof. This isn’t a big thing I know but he will be doing it to taunt me as that is how he gets his kicks. If my front conifers now die off then I know it is him but obviously have no proof.
The problem was exacerbated when the government brought out the bedroom tax. He was living in a three bedroomed house and would have been asked to pay the extra tax. A lot of people on my estate had to move out of flats are houses if they could not pay the extra money. This is when the bullying started again about five years ago. He was jealous that I owned my property. He somehow managed to stay in his property but it wasn’t enough. He has bullied other neighbours because of where they parked their cars i.e. in the bus bay at the front -he believed this to be his parking space – but unfortunately they didn’t complain about it.
I shall just wait to say what happens. I know the best thing for me to do his move away. I have many friends around here and don’t want to leave them behind.
I feel a bit better for writing and have stopped crying now.
I feel really scared. About 5 months ago I had to fill in forms for my benefit. Then I had to attend an assessment. I failed the test and it has made me so ill. I feel ridiculed and humiliated. I felt the interview was not going well. The assessor repeated back to me the things that I did to keep myself well and he then said this is your therapy and I said yes. It is dreadful what this governement is doing to people with disabilities. I told him about my many suicide attempts and the last one was particularly bad as I was on a drip of parvolex which is an antidote needed because of the amount of paracetomol that was in my blood. This was totally ignored he just manipulated and lied.just because they have targets to meet. To say the assessors are trained in mental health is an absolute joke.
I can’t stop crying and feel unable to do anything anymore. What is the point of even writing this blog. I struggle with life, I struggle with people and nobody gets it. I put things on social media and try to write articles as though I am normal. I am ill and struggle to function and they way the DWP have treaated me makes me feel worthless.
They stopped all of my money and I didn’t even realize for over a month. When I phoned up the guy said that it my responsibilty to contact them of a change of circumstances. I told him that I have mental health problems and obviously not responsible. How can they do this to people. It is a cruel government. I know people are treated a lot worse than me but this is how people are ending up homeless. I try to put things on social media and sign petitions to help others but the government just wants to keep us down.
My youngest daughter Molly had an operation on her wrist last week for Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and so she stayed with me as she was given a sick note for a fortnight. We had a lovely week together and she has managed to have a good rest. We had planned to sort out my spare room so that she could sleep in it, but that just didn’t happen so she slept in my bed, which is cute and thankfully I didn’t talk in my sleep.
We binge-watched Devious Maids together. I am on series 3 but enjoy watching the previous episodes again with Mol. I am not very good at sitting still so it is quite an achievement when I watch TV.
I did lots of cooking as well so we ate really healthily. I have been in a good place lately, My anxiety is still really bad although I have not been crying as much. Molly has been a great support for me and I have done my best to take care of her. We also cut out a skirt yesterday and plan to get the sewing machine out in a few days. We used some material that her sister Gina bought a couple of years ago. Molly has wanted to do some dressmaking for ages we just never got round to it so it is wonderful that we have made a start.
Yesterday I delivered some campaign leaflets for the general election, Molly came with me as I wasn’t up to going on my own. I am glad that I am helping my chosen party but find it difficult to do.
She will be returning back to work on Wednesday I just hope she is OK as she is a nursery nurse and so does a lot of lifting and nappy changing.
Anyhow, I am going to make myself another brew, in my pint pot.
TTFN. Love Pix Xxx
I am always trying to address my issues and there are plenty of them. I don’t like to admit it on here but well I am pretty fucked up.
The first thing that I can write about today is at college I got pretty upset a few weeks ago swearing etc. I wasn’t being particularly mindful of others feelings but when I have gone into a strange place in my head being mindful doesn’t even come in to it. I managed to get back to college and felt bad on the others. I tried to be as normal as possible and be okay with everyone. I seemed to be accepted and not obviously judged. This was a bit of a ground breaking moment for me. My actions had been authentic and I had not set out to hurt anyone, however I did want to apologize to everyone. I made a quick card last week to thank everyone in the group for everything. It wasn’t an apology as such so I still felt that I should be apologizing. I mentioned it to my tutor today and she told me not to worry and I had nothing to apologize for. I felt accepted, appreciated, respected and part of the group. This was really special to me.
Then on the way home I called in to church to say hello and water the flowers. I explained that I wasn’t staying for the craft group but just wanted to say hello.
Then I messaged a friend I had made recently. We have similar issues and last week I got overwhelmed and was off the radar for a while. Anyhow I got in touch and we compared notes and had a laugh about it. We both struggle with relationships and so it was good to try and makes sense of it all. It’s work in progress and although it is a struggle it is good to be able to try and understand and help one another.
I told my friend about a crazy idea that I have. I would like to call it a crazy secret but I am not very good at keeping things to myself. In my craft class this morning I managed to blurt out that I have a thing for gay men. The words are out before my brain has engaged. Fortunately the lady I told quickly changed the subject, I mean come on Janette that is surely something you shouldn’t be telling others about. I would like to say that I live and learn but short of handcuffs and a gag I am continuing to make the same mistakes. Well onwards and upwards. Insanity and beyond.
Love Janette xxx
P.S. I just found this in my draughts, I thought I had deleted it. LOL!
My anxiety is really bad. I had to get out of the house, I feel so claustrophobic as the clutter is taking over. I have been awake since before 1 a.m., drunk copious cups of tea, listened to Sam Pittis on Classic FM, he gave me a mention, nearly always does which is of great comfort as you know you’re not alone. Anyhow it’s about 8.30 in the morning and I have come down to McD’s for a cappacino. I felt a sense of panic when I realized I didn’t have my phone with me. Then I felt a bit of relief as I can’t go on to any social media. Then I get worried if anyone needs to get hold of me or is worried. I dropped Patrick off at JP’s so I feel less anxious not having the dog to worry about. I have just noticed my anxiety has lessened a bit. The mere act of putting pen to paper. There is a lovely track on at the minute, a female vocalis, calm and relaxing, she is singing “to be young and in love, don’t worry baby”. I am breathing a bit deeper now. It’s really lovely sat here on the retail park, about a dozen people in the ‘restaurant’. I am concerned about the staff who work in these places, many of them are on zero hour contract. I had a cleaning job here about 9 years ago. I only managed about a fortnight as my back went. I struggled with the job because of my other issues and I remember the lockers being broken. I had a 16 hour job and they even said I could stay on for 4 hours if I wanted but I struggled so much with it. I had about 5 different jobs in 2009 it didn’t end well, I took 66 50mg Clomipramine capsules. I was found in my living room and went in an ambulance to the Royal Bolton Hospital. I was so ill it was awful I couldn’t bear to be alive. I have experience this depth of despair many times and have taken about a dozen overdoses during my adult life.
I had a complete breakdown in 2015, when I was foolishly taken off all my medication by a psychiatris at the RBH. She was a lovely doctor but made a foolish mistake assuming that I was able to follow up with my care. About 3 months the suicidal feeling got too much and I could no longer bear to be alive. My partner kept ringing the crisis team to get help but to no avail. I know ultimately I am responsble for myself but I could have died and the NHS could have saved money. I took about 50 30mg/500mg co-codamol. I was put on an antidote as the paracetamol levels where high. I could have died slowly and painfully. This so awful to think about. Howver, I need to write about it, it’s cathartic for me and I am trying to spread awareness of mental health. When I was on the ward I was as sick as a dog. I felt terrible, there were others on the ward with physical health problems and I was taking up a bed because I tried to kill myself. I was relieved that I wasn’t dying, I remember thinking that my drip wasn’t going in as I thought it was too late. The nurse reassured me that I wasn’t dying and the drip was still feeding me. (15/08/2018 although I was relieve that I wasn’t dying I was still in the most horrendous state of mind and couldn’t bear to be alive if you see what I mean).
I am in a quiet corner in McD’s not sure what my expression looks like, I am not crying. It’s really warm, the sun is strong through the huge windows, I’ve got a wall in front of me which is good as I am not facing anyone. I like to be around people but don’t want to face anyone. I am really scared in this world, life scares me, growing old scares me, but I am quite aware that it is better than the alternative. I need to look after myself as best I can for myself and for my loved ones, they need me as much as I need them. Well I must go as I have said enough for one day. I need to conquer the day ahead.
TTFN Love Pix Xxx
I wrote this on 26th July:-
Just on Middlebrook in McD’s. Patrick had a good run round the carpark whilst it was quiet. I really need to get him trained, he sort of has me wrapped around his little paws. I do enjoy having him though he really is a lovely dog. He is 10 this months, I am not sure exactly of his birthday as I can’t find the paper with it on. He has so much energy he is amazing for his age. I am just having a break in McD’s, I have been colouring in and have been on my phone. It’s Gina and Ciaran’s 6th wedding anniversery today – where do the years go. I have gone off the rails in the past few years – but fortunately I am on the up.
Uhh just realized I have already written about this previously. I shall publish it though just to remind myself of how bad my memory is getting.